So I've Got a Story About RWBY
by MechaG11
Summary: Obligatory summary: You like RWBY. You read about RWBY. You consume endless fan content for RWBY. Add one more story to your catalogue. I'm sure you won't be disappointed with this malformed thing that took two nights to think up.
1. Chapter 1 - So I've Got a Story

It's time I told y'all a story about RWBY. Sit back, relax, get some water, clear your ears, and prepare your brains. This one is a doozy.

* * *

Like all good RWBY fanfictions we gotta start it off with Jaune and the story of a young male who learns about liking girls. You see, Jaune was the coolest boy of the mall. To his dismay, he could barely control his PP. Tremors rattled his jeans, prompting him to reach into his pants and pulled out the physical letters "PP." Tremors rattled his jeans, prompting him to reach into his pants and pulled out the physical letters "PP." It shook violently in his hand, trying to lunge itself at every woman in sight.

"Hey, stop that!" borked Jaune.

He scolded his PP for committing acts of rampant misogyny. His PP apologized, and calmly slipped back into Jaune's pants. Now enlightened, it no longer subscribed to the rhetoric of Remnant's Patriarchal influence. Who the king of said Patriarchy was, let alone the identities of any of the kings of the "kingdoms" in Remnant, was a question only Jinn could answer. Jaune uses his psychic powers to read the script, and decided to take the Relic of Knowledge to a dinner date. He eventually summons Jinn to answer all King-related questions. Together they dined on a steaming helping of Mozzarella sticks. By the end he politely pulled out his PP letters and Jinn pulled out her VaJayJay letters in kind. They clinked the two together as if toasting with drinking cups. Impressed by Jaune's etiquette and respect towards women, Jinn was more than willing to disclose information of Remnant's kings. She pulls out the list, gets out her reading glasses, and the scene inconveniently cuts away just before any of us can hear who they are. I guess Miles and Kerry are saving that for a later Volume or for the fans to read in some text in a RWBY mobile game.

* * *

Now we gotta introduce a girl to fulfill our quota. You see Yang waking up after a cozy night in bed. She violently turned to disturb the girl peacefully sleeping next to her. Said girl was a stranger that she's literally never met before, but Yang didn't care. The girl notices Yang rumbling in the bed and wakes up screaming at the blonde who had invaded her home and apparently slept in her bed (Goldilocks reference but there's a few bears missing. I think Yang killed the parents in Volume 1 over a bowl of oatmeal). The girl throws pillows at Yang in hopes of scaring her away. Bumblebee, Yang's personal spaceship, crashes through the mystery girl's home. Yang mounts it by pressing [E], blows a kiss to the mystery woman, and then takes off into the sky. Like a good neighbor, Glynda Goodwitch was conveniently there to reassemble the damage to the girl's home. The Professor started frantically throwing all the debris back into place just like in the LEGO games. The house was repaired, but she could never repair the mystery girl's emotional damage. She was mentally scarred by the sight of Yang's Poser boob jiggle physics. Now that's a LEGO set best handled by psychologists ages 9-12.

* * *

Speaking of jiggle physics and psychological trauma, we go now to Beacon Academy to talk about faunus racism. Velvet's ears bounce up and down as she walks through the cafeteria. The physics engine wasn't finished this early in the show so her ears just kinda stretch erratically in all directions with each bounce. In the distance, Cardin rubbed his hands together all evil-like since he was looking forward to bullying the faunus once again. Velvet sees Cardin sitting at his usual table. Why she always walks by here specifically no one knows. Seriously, those gits sit at the same table everyday. She could easily walk elsewhere, any other walkway, yet here we are strolling down bully alley. When Velvet gets close enough Cardin immediately presents a basket full of Easter Eggs, eggs that she spent all her time hiding the other day. All of her effort was completely wasted. What an asshole that three-time Easter Egg Hunt gold winning champion Cardin.

Velvet let out a defeated sigh. She didn't need to deal with this today. She decided to take my advice and walk elsewhere by clipping through all of the background elements. This wasn't her first time phase-walking, and in fact it was a tactic she once used in RWBY Volume 1, Chapter 11 at the 4:07 time stamp. She travels to the courtyard where she would eat, and then never clean up her garbage afterwards. Like, _used_ napkins and everything just blowing away in the wind. Like look, Cardin was a grade-A dickhead, but at least he didn't litter. The coffee cups Velvet gets aren't even biodegradable. Probably why she's getting bullied. I suppose in the end this part of the story wasn't about racism after all.

* * *

Now we gotta cut to the villain of this story. Sadly, she isn't here. She did leave this note though:

"_Will be gone for a while doing evil things in the background. I swear that I'm a threat to the protagonists. Don't think about it too much.  
3 Cinder Fall_

_P.S. The narrator reading this is a handsome man._"

Aww, how sweet. What a good villain that Cinder. I guess we'll catch up with her shenanigans later.

* * *

Hey look, there's Yang in the distance, riding in on her spaceship just like she was earlier. She lowers Bumblebee to the floor and jumps off of it. Several segments of Bumblebee begin to readjust. The transformers sound effect plays as the ship converts into a more humanoid form. A door from the middle of the body opens, allowing Blake to walk out. Smoke blows outward from inside as the faunus exits the chamber. She coughs obnoxiously while waving the thick smoke away. The smoke, feeling insulted, refuses to go away and gets breathed in by Blake even more.

*cough* "Why do _I_ have to be the spaceship?" she complained.

"Because it's called _Bumblebee._ It only works because you _love it_ when I ride you. In an explicitly _sexual_ way mind you." Yang replied, winking at the audience.

Bellydonna blushed, but in a slightly tsundere way. It was true, but she refused to acknowledge the smug blonde. In retaliation to the quip, Blake majestically flops into the ocean to hunt fish. Yang holds up a small sign with a "10" printed on it. Suddenly, she's startled by a guttural roar. She turns to find an Ursa behind her. It was the child Ursa from the Goldilocks story line. Y'know, the one about the two parents bears that I mentioned earlier:

_(Goldilocks reference but there's a few bears missing. I think Yang killed the parents in Volume 1 over a bowl of oatmeal)._

The baby Ursa was a big boy now, the scarred son bent on revenge. Leave it to Yang to create a brand new villain of her own I guess. You know a character is going places when they make their own villains. Angered, the Ursa throws down his Black Sun shirt and the two square off with one another to start off our first action sequence. The Ursa charges for his initial attack, but Yang is quick to counter. She grabs his nuts in a disabling hold, her signature move and arguably her true semblance.

"What a _gripping_ battle!" Yang punned terribly.

She tries to give the Ursa a cheeky peck on the nose, but it quickly licked her face like the pokemon move. She let go of the Ursa to wipe her face off in disgust. Now free and a bit miffed, the Ursa ran home worriedly holding his pained sack. How embarrassing for him. He probably could've clobbered her, but honestly a pained sack is nothing to scoff at. Nurse those cojones my brother.

Yang seemed disappointed. "Aww, but we _bearly_ got to fight."

Adam, who is in this story now, throws a train at Yang. Her chest cushions some of the impact but isn't enough to stop the soaring vehicle. He defeated her, succeeding where the Ursa could not. The next day the media claimed that Yang was injured in a naturally occurring train crash. Believable, it was a common thing after all.

In an interview with the news crew, Adam looks directly into the camera saying: "Remember kids, it's totally cool to hit women." and then leaves.

* * *

Watching the news from her dorm, Ruby heard Adam's words and then peered at Weiss. The heiress was minding her own business before Ruby clocked her right in the face without warning.

"Huh" Ruby said. "That _does_ feel cool."

Weiss angrily got up and drew her sword. She cast ice dust at Ruby to freeze her for comedic irony. She then drew a comically sized mallet from out of nowhere and then slammed it down on Ruby. The ice shattered, scattering in all directions. The stricken Ruby lay as a flattened cartoon style imprint on the floor. Weiss, now triumphant, fashioned her side tail into a crown shape. She stood strongly, chest out and hands on her hips, as she proclaimed herself the new Queen of Violence. Sunglasses floated down from above and were graciously adorned upon the new Mistress of Disaster. Ruby would bow, if not for her current status as a pancake. Ruby says "Hail, my Queen" right as Blake walks in with a freshly caught fish in her mouth. The faunus promptly kink-shames the two before leaving, the fish still flopping in her jowls. Ruby begged Weiss to restore her back to normal, but the New Matriarch of Brutality simply flips Ruby over so that she is less audible. There would be no Oompa Loompa song for _this_ caped huntress.

* * *

After witnessing Ruby and Weiss' strange kink scenario, Blake went to settle down in the Beacon courtyard for the evening. She spit the fresh fish into her hands, and stated "I will now proceed to pleasure myself with this fish." before eating the creature like a feral raccoon. She wiped her mouth, licked her hands like a cat, and then spinzaku-ed into the sunset.

* * *

So ends our story about RWBY. I hope you all stayed relatively un-nauseous throughout that reading. Maybe you felt a bit of throw up in the back or your mouth, or maybe your body is just becoming intolerant of all the junk you consume. Like this fanfic you're reading right now. I certainly didn't force you to finish reading this. You've only yourself to blame for your current state of health. Read _good _fanfics like Blade Sparticus: Grimm Destroyer all you children at home. Get out of here and go make good life choices like _not_ being a filthy litterer. Only then can you be an uncontested Easter Egg Hunt Champion like Cardin or a Majesty of Tragedy like Weiss.


	2. Chapter 2 - When Lemons Give You Life

– Chapter 2 – When Lemons Give You Life

There wasn't supposed to be a second one. Now there's a second one. We're gonna call this anthology "SIGASA RWBY." A more digestible name wouldn't you agree?

Now what do we have first on the agenda? Ah, yes…it looks like we're telling love stories today.

* * *

Alone inside the JNPR dorm room sat Ren, meditating all crisscross applesauce on his bed. The joke is that he's a kung fu stereotype. Nora suddenly burst through the door, wearing an expression indicative of a woman on a mission. "HEY, ARE WE CANON YET?!" she yelled in his direction.

Ren sat contemplating the canonicity ReNora, before responding "Hmm, no. I don't think we are."

Nora couldn't believe it. Years of weaponized booping have scored her no progress in trying to form a romantic relationship with Ren. The object of her desires, the petal to her mettle, the cream to her coffee (?). How could she have failed so badly? Perhaps Ren's sexy Volume 4 upgrade opened up the gates for more love interests. With so much attention from the Rensexuals, how could she compete?! It's not like she can just walk up to him and ask him out on a date! No, that kind of action was far beyond the realm of realism. It was time for a more practical, _realistic_ solution!

Nora searches through Jaune's personal cabinet, throwing various articles of clothing into the air and onto Ren. "_Aha!_" she exclaimed. Next to Jaune's fake transcripts was a peculiar document. It was a faked RWBY ship canonicity authentication letter (a.k.a. RSCAL) with expertly forged signatures appearing as if Miles and Kerry themselves approved it. With this Nora would only need to fill in a few names, submit the paperwork for confirmation, and then ReNora would be canon!

She mails the letter via tying it to Mjolnir and casting it into the sky, but you don't get to see that because it was off-screen. After several minutes Ren suddenly shoots up from out of the clothes. He looked to Nora all wide-eyed and exclaims "We're canon now!" Nora leaps into the air with excitement and dives onto Ren, Jaune's clothes exploding in all directions from the sheer impact of the bubbly thigh goddess.

Then they had sex.

* * *

Our next story is about good 'ol Jimmy boy.

Ironwood beat his hotdog. No matter what he did, he wasn't able to prepare it properly. His anxiety rose after hearing the sound of Glynda's macaroni, hot and ready for his hotdog. Desperate to succeed, he activated his karate-chop action and hammered away to no avail. He strained, the veins in his head and neck bulging as he attempted to choke his limp meat in a death-grip. Glynda stopped mixing around her macaroni, feeling badly for James. She took his hand and looked at him assuredly. "We'll do it together" she said.

Ironwood looked sad, but then grinned knowing she had his back. Together they battered away at his hotdog. The sheer devastation they wrought together was a beauty to behold, and with their combined efforts the hotdog was finally ready. She took the pieces of freshly sliced hotdog and mixed it into the bowl of macaroni. The General wiped his forehead "Well, who knew mess hall duty would be such a hassle?"

Glynda smiled and rested her hand on his shoulder "But with enough determination and teamwork, we were able to rise above all obstacles."

"Oz would be proud." said James as they looked at one another chuckling. A moment of silence passed over.

Then they had sex.

* * *

Checking in on the villain of this story we have-  
Oh wait, it's another letter from Cinder. I wonder why she was absent this time…

"_Dear narrator, I regret to inform you that I'll be away for the chapter. I'm scouting an Atlas building with Emerald, *evil* scouting. We shall be threatening you all from a distance while we're here. As much as being far away from you all hurts, a job is a job. Emerald says hi by the way. She was all disgruntled because I told her to do it. Haha! That's Em for you._

_Wish you were here!  
[Heart] Cinder Fall_

_PS. We're probably having sex."_

That you are my dear Cinder. Evil endeavors are fit only for the most daring and _villainous!_

* * *

Alright looks like there's a story about the new Sheep Faunus. Says her name is Fiona. Let's see, so looks like she was just walking down the same hallway as her high school crush and their eyes met-

Then they had sex.

Hmm…a bit short, but there's a tiny bit more to it. Apparently they had a pretty great relationship since then and have been together even to this day. Aww. That's really nice, everyone give it up for Fiona.

[Applause]

Good on her, that Fiona.

* * *

Y'all remember Deery right? The White Fang deer Faunus from Volume 2?  
Did you know she got promoted in like less than a Volume after just showing up as a recruit in the second Volume? Talk about dedication to your work and perseverance. Not everyone has to get married to a potential spouse. Sometimes people are simply married to their job.

Now that's what I call work ethic. Give it up for Deery everyone!

[Applause]

[Cheers]

I'm sure her parents are very proud of her advances in the field of terrorism.

* * *

There's a bees story where-

…

Look we all know the bees smash, let's be honest with ourselves now.

* * *

We've got a story about Ilia being interviewed for being the girl with the strongest concentration of gay energy in Remnant. The host shakes hands with her and they take their seats. The host starts with her opening question:

"So, Miss Ilia, why are you gay?"

Ilia had an answer…

Then they had sex.

* * *

Oz idled in his seat at the kitchen table, having a very mellow day. Salem, his wife, came to him, appearing as if she was bearing serious news. He knew her well enough to know when she was preparing to speak seriously. He appeared attentive, ready to hear her out. She simply states "I am god."

"Wait…" replied Ozma. "_You're god?"_ Salem nodded her head. Ozma sank further back in his chair, rubbing his forehead in disbelief. _"My god."_ he uttered. Salem nodded her head even more. Ozma sighed, and bore grave news too heavy for Salem's ear. "I don't think I'm ready to be married to a god." he explained sullenly.

Salem nodded her head slowly in response, saddened by the news. She raised her finger and shot a fireball the size of a cheesepuff at her husband, disintegrating him instantaneously. She later turned his ashes into a glass trophy. From here on out she would create one of these for every time she killed his latest reincarnation, and then store them with her personal collection.

Then they did not have sex.

* * *

Upon reflection, we learned that love is a far more complex facet of existence than originally thought. Sometimes it takes innovation to see your desires through. Love often takes perseverance and teamwork to prevail. It can be found in those of even the darkest of hearts. Some find it in prolonged and healthy stretches of time. Love extends further beyond just being in people, but rather found in passion itself of all forms. Yes, even the form of a bee. For many, love is the answer. Love does not always last though, which is a reality we must accept.

So concludes this set of tales, at least for the time being. It's important to know love, but most importantly? Learn how to love yourselves. Stop reading this dribble. It's not good for your health. I'm certain that at least a dozen people were sent into critical care after reading the first one. Before you know it _you'll_ be the next one having sex. You'll end up more rank and tattered as Jaune's cabinet clothes after this chapter. Go before it's too late! Shoo!


	3. Chapter 3 - The Thirdening

So I Got a Story About RWBY – Chapter 3 – The Thirdening

Team RWBY fights alongside all the other students at Beacon. The youths try their best staving off the hordes of Grimm attacking the school, battling evil Salem-troopers from the future, as well as crossing swords with the White Fang. Amidst the chaos is Blake Belladonna, who back-flips several times to nearly escape an explosion. She staggers back a bit upon her landing, touching butts with Yang. They acknowledge each other, but then dodge away in opposite directions in unison. The young Ursa (who hates Yang) belly-flops into the ground where the couple once stood, missing his targets. Blake and Yang are ready to face off with the grim with very little brain, but realize they have been flanked.

Standing behind them was none other than Adam Taurus, the White Fang's signature samurai boy, and champion of woman-hitting. _"Adam!"_ Blake exclaims to establish that the bull faunus is a long-time adversary of hers, an anime protagonist. Blake fires several shots with Gambol Shroud's gun mode. Adam doesn't dodge, nor block with his sword. The bullets instead merely ricochet off of his crotch, causing his Vergil hair to glow red. Now he was motivated. _"What's this?!"_ queer-ied Blake.

Adam cackled with a snort. "You see, Blake, my powers have _evolved."_ He grabs his crotch and strikes a Michael Jackson pose. "By channeling my power this way I can finally weaponize my toxic masculinity!" His true semblance power was no longer Moonslice, but rather _Internalized Misogyny._ The bull spins like a top. An outstretched flashing red blade shape cuts through the air, the origin seemingly being his groin. Blake is not fast enough to dodge it, and is sent spinning backwards with a slap to the face.

Yang gasped after witnessing Adam's energized man prosthesis in action. She wanted to help Blake, but was stopped by the Ursa bear-hugging her. Yang was in pain, but couldn't help recognize the pun and utter _"Nice."_ The strain was so over-bearing that she couldn't find her bearing, and she could not longer bear the weight of these bear puns. "This is seriously unbearable." she exclaimed, hating herself the moment the words left her mouth. Her self-hatred activated her Semblance, causing her hair to ignite. The Ursa was forced to let go due to Yang burning at the touch. His Black Sun shirt was now ruined forever with scorch marks, and a replacement would take years to find back in stock at the RoosterTeeth online store.

Adam stares at the smoldering remains of the Ursa's shirt. "Black Sun wasn't a ship I cared for, but I sympathize with its fans. You took away _my_ ship too, Yang."

Blake, still on the ground, raised her head. "_Please_ don't compare Tauradonna to Black Sun." she complained.

"Why not?" asked Adam. "Their death came at the hands of the same murderer: _The Gay Agenda_." Adam points at Blake. "Tell me, Blake, _why_ are you _gay?!"_

Blake shrugs, still prone on the ground. "I don't know. Boys are hot. Girls are hot too."

"Damn it!" Adam cursed, bawling up his fist. "She's got a point. Girls _are_ hot!"

"Even I could've told you that." said Jinn, who was here to say exactly one line in this story.

Adam was embarrassed. He desperately needed a strong point to feel validated in his deep seeded hatred and assholery. He springs up, and points to the horizon. Standing there is Jacques Schnee, stating: "I'm here to commit Faunus racism." The universe dictates that all of Adam's behavior was to be excused in its entirety because of this irrefutable evidence. Adam grins, wielding a victim card in his hand.

Blake and Yang gasped, knowing what power the madman now possessed. Adam plays the card on his duel disk and unleashes a wave of energy. The two girls promptly avoid the attack. In the background stood Winter Schnee, who was completely unaware of the projectile heading in her direction. She was illuminated by a surge of light surging around her. "_NO! My white guilt!_" she screamed. She collapsed onto the floor, unable to resist the overwhelming force that attacked her very soul.

"Another one bites the dust." Adam jeered.

Blake pounced on Adam like a feline would and proceeded to pound his face in over and over exclaiming _"Stop ruining Queen for me!"_ The cadence of her punches could be synchronized with the beat of Another One Bites the Dust, as discovered by Shopkeep whom was just passing by. He stared at the beating before him with headphones over his ears, approvingly nodding at the vengeful violence being committed. He smiled and punched the air in sequence with Blake and the Queen song before moving on with his day.

* * *

Safe enough away from the battlefield sat Salem, slouching in a chair casually while eating a burrito and watching the carnage unfold. The burrito was certainly what she was craving but the one she picked up from the fast food place made a particularly bland one that tasted like it's been sitting out for a while. Incompetent customer service, _another _reason humanity needed to be destroyed. A Salem-trooper approached, ready to deliver a report on the current battle. "Speak" she said with her mouth mostly full.

The trooper saluted, then spoke "Unfortunate news, my goddess, Adam Taurus is currently getting the beat down of his life."

"What else is new?" replied Salem with a slightly jaded tone.

"Well ma'am, Cinder wanted you to see this." the trooper said while handing her a letter.

"Tardy again I see." stated Salem while opening the envelope. "Let's see here…_'Hey boss, yadda-yadda-yadda, busy buying more thigh-high leggings and a giant nail file for my monster hand…' _Pfft. I'm about to file down your paycheck you lazy girl." She annoyedly discards the letter by tossing it over her shoulder. "This day couldn't possibly get any worse…"

The trooper raises his finger "Actually, ma'am."

"I was _joking."_ she complained while turning her head to him.

The trooper cleared his throat, "It appears one of your colored robes somehow got washed in with your bed sheets."

Salem reeled back and sank into her chair, letting out an exhausted groan. Her beautiful sheets, most likely dyed pink overnight. A thought that made her want to dye the battle field red. Her day had been ruined within the span of a minute. "Can something please go _right _today?!" she complained while throwing her arms up in a fit.

The trooper perked up "Oh, well it just so happens that the local supermarket carries those little lemon cookies you like. The ones that we weren't able to find anywhere that used to be around about five years ago but disappeared out of nowhere."

"_Oh."_ she said, sounding pleasantly surprised.

* * *

While Adam lay defeated on the battlefield, the heroes at Beacon had much more to worry about beyond one Adam Bullman. Salem troopers from the future, standard Grimm, and big kaiju Grimm line the horizon. The forces of evil encroach upon the area, a dire situation for our protagonists. "What should we do?" asked Pyrrha, who is in this story now. The timeline in this battle was very off.

Ruby, obviously the leader, brainstormed a strategy to win against the impossible odds. She begins to bark orders to her friends with a finger pointed at each one. "Nora, you take the five hundred on the left. Ren, do nothing useful the whole fight. Yang and Blake, stop kissing. It's gross. Oscar, go get character development off-screen. Pyrrha, go one-man-army this biz and die in blaze of glory! And Jaune, change your hair back please."

"_No…banana."_ Jaune retorted while brushing his Volume 7 banana hair lightly with his hand.

"Wait a minute." Blake said. "Something's not right." She walks forward and pulls Ruby's face off, revealing that it was a mask. It was none other than Neo all along! The protagonists gasp.

"But if you're Neo than how did you talk?" questioned Yang.

Emerald and Mercury pop into existence next to the group. "Mind illusions." answered Emerald.

"_Pranked."_ Mercury said while high-fiving Emerald.

"Your face is a prank!" snapped Nora. Mercury gasped, and then screamed as he was erased from reality by Nora's insult.

Emerald, abruptly wishing to avenge her guy friend, recruits the help of Neo to defeat the protags. Together their illusion powers combine and create the Illusion Fusion: Nemrald. She appears as a visual fusion of both Emerald and Neo, and possesses a dangerous combination of extreme thirst for Cinder Fall and loving dedication to Roman Torchwick (Cinoman Torchfall?). The fusion stands as a formidable nemesis, containing the combined might and then some of the two illusion villains. She eats some Neapolitan ice cream in front of the heroes, intimidating them with her unrestrained cannibalism.

"That is_ hardcore_." Nora commented. "She ate the chocolate part too which makes it like…_50% more_ cannibalism."

"_I…guess?"_ replied Ren. There was no time to ponder this thought though. Nemerald was ready to go on the attack. She strikes a sexy pose that emphasizes her features, spurring legions of fans to produce fan art of her. Numerous pages flood the area, creating a dense obscuration.

Jaune twinges, and falls to the floor. "Nngh! My…body is objectifying her. The…internal misogyny…must've come back."

"Control your PP!" yelled Ren.

"Looks like _we_ have to stop her!" asserted Nora. To her dismay she notices Blake and Yang, who are also convulsing on the ground. Their gay feelings were no match for Nemerald. Now it was up to NPR to save the day. Try as they may, the three of them were unable to fight through the dense walls of artwork flooding in.

Pyrrha swung her sword, failing to cut through the unrelenting paper-thin sheets. "It's no use!" she exclaimed.

"Wait!" Nora said. "I have an idea. Pyrrha, eat this burger!" Pyrrha stows her weapons away, unwraps the burger, and takes a big bite out of the beefy sandwich.

"Like this?" she queried. Her innocence and cuteness while eating a burger created a peerlessly wholesome image. The Nemerald artwork slowly faded away, and instead flooded in new artwork of wholesome burger Pyrrha. Such a powerful image restored the strength of Jaune and Blake. Yang unfortunately didn't recover because she's a big pervert.

"What?! No!" shouted Nemerald as she disappeared into the Pyrrha fan art. In a moment the sheets of artwork stopped appearing, revealing the defeated and burgerless duo of Neo and Emerald.

* * *

Oscar Pine sat nervously next to Salem. When Ruby told him to go develop offscreen he didn't expect to end up in this situation. Salem was laughing and eating lemon cookies casually while the boy sat hostage. "So anyways, that was the _two-hundredth_ time I turned my ex-husband into a glass trophy." Salem guffawed.

"Uh, huh…" Oscar replied. "So um, can I go now?" he asked.

Salem put her hand on his shoulder "Oho no, sweetie. I still gotta disintegrate _you_ and turn your ashes into a glass trophy." She gave him a little shake. "Ooh this is going to be so much fun!" she said excitedly. Oscar made an a thousand-yard-stare, reflecting on his life up until this point and processing his soon to be death. He decided to have a brain conversation with Ozpin.

"_Great._ I'm gonna die here and all this is going to be _your_ fault." he said angrily.

Ozpin, whose form appears as a small representation of himself, shrugged "Hey, don't look at me. _You_ chose to listen to the fake Ruby."

"_I didn't know she was a fake!_ Besides, the 'development' was supposed to happen _off_-screen." Oscar replied, still angry.

Ozpin put his hands on his hips. "Well maybe you're just not _developing_ then. Look at you not being good at following orders."

"Just kill me now." Oscar said out loud.

"Now, now Oscar. Patience. _That_ comes later." Salem replied. She puts a lemon cookie in Oscar's mouth and carries him away. Salem, holding him up like a child, lets him gaze at the battlefield. "Now we get to see humanity fall." she said in a tone-ally inappropriate speaking-to-a-child voice. Oscar said nothing, silently wishing for death.

"Not if I have anything to say about it!" exclaimed a booming voice.

Salem turns and happens upon the sight of Weiss, the Queen of Violence, who appeared heroically to save the day. "Ah, so it is you, the legendary_ Lord of Lawlessness."_

Weiss adjusted her crown. "Well met, _Baron of Beeswax."_ The strong female characters were staring each other down. Sparks were about to go flying in this battle!

They fight, they fight, and then they fought. Salem threw cookies at Weiss, but the heiress was too skilled at this overly-specific ability of eating cookie projectiles thanks to a certain red-caped totally-not-best-friend of hers (whom is still a carpet sitting in their dorm room at this moment). Salem was irked, and threw Oscar directly at Weiss in an improvised attack. Catching projectile-ified boys was unfortunately a skill she wasn't proficient in, and one skill she did not ever want to be good at.

"Ow." Weiss said after being clobbered by Oscar's soaring body.

Salem, stood over Weiss, nearly victorious. "Hahahaha!" she laughed evily. "Well well well, Monarch of Mediocrity, it appears I win." It was over. The heroes have suffered a disastrous blow to their forces. With Weiss pinned down by Oscar's unconscious body there was nothing to stop Salem from enacting her destruction of humanity.

Suddenly, a stray banana splats Salem in the face. Her skin burns at the touch. Bananas, Salem's one weakness, had foiled her plans once again. Standing heroically was Jaune, who was missing a single lock of hair. The camera zooms in on his face, ready for his cool one-liner._ "Banana."_ he said. This mild inconvenience was enough to force Salem to retreat, winning the day for the protagonists. Jaune, a descendant of ancient banana haired warriors sworn to defeat Salem, proudly stood as the hero of the day instead of the actual protagonists. The bad guys, despite vastly out-numbering the heroes' forces and could easily overpower them, went home because the script says they lost.

"I guess that's it." said Ren, unaware that his line would be the last in the whole chapter.


End file.
